The Journey

V is for Vendetta

The idea has been fresh in my mind that we are nothing more than friends. Nothing more than two people who enjoy each other both intimately and not. The other night we went out to enjoy a beer together. And as always the conversation moved toward the topic of us. Courtesy of me. I give myself a 5 on a scale of 1-10 with him because no matter how much I try to explain to him that the friendship that we have is special, he is not receptive of that fact and does not wish to act on it by any means. Admiration. That’s what I feel when I think of him in most cases. And at other times, it’s anything but that. It’s always been a situation where we are the closest of friends, but when the idea is brought up of being something more; it is suddenly an avoided conversation. We are taught when we are young to take chances, and to act on opportunities that may not come around every day but are good for us. How do we really know what’s good for us? And isn’t it the things or people that are bad for us that we gravitate towards the most. But when we are faced with a decision on whether we should or shouldn’t do something, how often do we really contemplate the odds that are at stake? When choosing about a relationship, how do we decide? On the road we call life, we are often faced with decisions that leave us wondering or second guessing. And when we finally get tired of making decisions that are not good for us, it is then that we get a new idea of what we are meant to be doing or who we are meant to be with. Is it true that we are just lost at times, and even the best & the most guidance can’t sway us in the right direction?

I woke up this morning next to him with the sudden feeling of disgust. I don’t want to be this woman that is giving her all and so much more to a man and he is too willing to pass on the opportunities available. I am smart, funny, sophisticated, and ready to build a life with someone that is willing to do the same. As he tossed and turned, and I lay still, I began to relate his tossing and turning to real life and current times. He will most likely go through relationships and not being 100% fulfilled with them, while I am content and still in knowing that my time will come. My time for what I deserve will come and I will be happy. He asked what time it was. And rather than me saying “Time to shit or get off the pot, I told him the current time.” I cannot blame him for not wanting to be with me. I can only blame him for not being willing to take the chance. What he won’t do, another man will. And another man will appreciate everything I have to offer with open arms.

I got out of bed, and walk to the bathroom. While washing my face, I look in the mirror and wonder what he sees. What goes through his mind when he looks at my face? What I wouldn’t give to have mind-reading capabilities. I have begun to think that we women have something similar to mind-reading. It’s called intuition. And it’s helpful in detecting what’s right for us or wrong for us. As I hung up the towel I used to dry my face, I think of not only hanging up the towel, but hanging up this relationship or lack thereof.

Silver Ace

Three hours had passed and it seemed as if it was 45 minutes that we had been sitting there. But the inevitable sight of the time on the phone confirmed our time together. The undeniable attraction was there as usual and it was as if we hadn’t been absent from each other for 8 months. Every time we saw each other it was as if time was standing still for the length of our separation. A loving glance and the glare from a flashlight was what I noticed first as I stepped out of my car and watched him come around to give me a hug. I could just feel my feel slipping underneath me as I smelled his collar. I have been in the dark about that mysteriously captivating scent for almost 4 years now and couldn’t believe that it still made me feel the same way as when we first met. There was awkwardness. I could feel his distance due to everything that is going on, and I could tell that my anger towards all that has happened to him did not help in terms of dealing with the next time we saw each other. “I was just getting ready to run, wanna ride?” I answered “Yes”, and locked my car. As I walked over to his, and began a brief conversation with the man he introduced as his uncle; I thought about the first night I met him. And I quickly snapped back to reality because I was supposed to be engaged in a conversation with this man. I got into the car, and as my butt almost froze to the seat; I looked over at him. “I…”, I opened my mouth to say something and nothing came out. But he looked over at me and I couldn’t help but give him a half smile. My mind rambled, his fingers kept pressing the button for the next station on XM radio, and the tension between us was growing. Or was it? I enjoyed the ride. And as we pulled back into his driveway, I suddenly had the urge to eat something. So I said let’s go get something to eat. And we did. No sooner than I pulled my $20 bill out of my wallet, he said “I got it.” He always had it. Subs, cigarettes, beer, fries, and more. I never worried about having to pay when I was with him did I? No. I got out of the car, and walked towards the door. “Don’t make that face.” he said. I didn’t even say “what face?” or “what are you talking about?” I knew that he knew exactly what that face was. And who knew that later that night we would be discussing how people communicate without words? That’s what we did. All night. Eyes, stares, smiles, glares. It was a night of non-verbal communication. Food in hand, and ready to go back to his house. Later on, he talked about Twister being a throwback movie. And then says lets go talk. “Talk” never meant to him what it meant to other men. He really meant it. And as much as I wanted to answer his questions about what’s new with me & how am I doing. I wanted to know how are we here again? How is it that there can be so much love between 2 people, and just as much passion now as there was on the first day of meeting each other? How can 2 people be infinitely insatiable to each other so much that they just cant help but be surprised at the chemistry? I wanted answers to all of those questions. I did. But the other questions came about (as they always did). And our conversation turned into why we aren’t in a relationship with each other. No tears. Just lots of talking. I’ve waited for this man for 4 years, to come to me and say I am ready to be with you. Right now, you & me; lets go! But it doesn’t turn out like that. And the pain just adds up. The hurt from seeing that we can’t take over the world together is immense. And in the meantime, I keep meeting other men that want nothing but a piece of ass; but this man has my soul. And as I left in the morning, I looked at him and thought about what I wanted to accomplish by visiting. I didn’t leave feeling as if nothing was accomplished, I left feeling as if I need to sit in a hot bath with a glass of wine an think deeply. Every time I see him, I walk away thinking deeply. And the spell lasts for a couple days.  How do you top that? And how do you sit back and assess yourself and whether you are making a mistake by waiting for something you know is worth it? In the end, am i gluten for punishment?

Close the Door

I must have called 3 times in the last 10 minutes. I just couldn’t afford to sit and wait for him to call me back. I was on my way back from an interview and I’m assuming since he isn’t answering, that he doesn’t need a ride to work. “I know he’ll call me when I’ve already picked my daughter up and am on my way to work.” I said to myself…with the obvious realization that there was no-one else in the car to witness my rant. I turned the music up and began to tap my foot and pass those not driving fast enough to my satisfaction. Dre was brown sugar. Dre is brown sugar. He was the whipped to my cream. But to him, I wasn’t even remotely considered in that light. The idea of wanting him was one that consumed my thoughts frequently. We had the conversation of “what we are” many times and although what he wanted wasn’t anywhere near the same of what I wanted; I rolled with it anyways. I was cool with it. Or so I thought. I was one of the girls that folded his clothes, cooked for him, massaged him when he was in pain, and was addicted to him like an athlete to Gatorade. I did it all for him…all that I could. And in reflection, I can see that he is comfortable. I noticed he was comfy because of the lack of respect I was getting and things were changing. I would do the dishes and it would eventually be “assumed” or known that I would do them. There really wasn’t anything wrong with this…or was there? I felt for a long time that there wasn’t anything wrong with it. But then I realized that I deserved more. And the longer we were around each other, the more I realized that if I wanted more I needed to put this relationship on the back burner. I made it very easy for him to feel the way he does. Unfortunately for me, I felt like “Why would he want to buy the cow when the milk is free?” In other words, why would he settle down with me when there is nothing keeping him there? My mind fluttered back to the hilarious times we had. And how much I truly miss those times once they are gone and we are in “serious mode” around each other. Before I knew it, I had driven myself to my daughters school and as I got out of the car I thought about every time I closed the door on something. Closed the door on that pint of Ben & Jerry’s that is on sale at Wegman’s, closed the door on a better paying job opportunity because I love the people I work with now, and every time I closed the door on other men that didn’t give me the attention or respect that I wanted. If these tasks were so easy, why can’t I close the door on us?

Why here?

Just recently, I discovered the importance of surrounding yourself with people you can trust, and confide in. I feel that if it’s not possible to surround yourself with people you can trust or talk to; life weighs more. The weight of life is always multiplied when we don’t have someone to share it with. Sometimes a deciding factor in me chooses to have high hopes for my future when it comes to a mate. More than a sexual experience, I want someone that is willing to listen to the words that I so carefully choose to come out of my mouth. I never would have imagined the difficulty in finding such a person. I have always been a strong supporter of relationships. I know exactly how it feels to have that one person to come home and talk to, and someone that knows you inside and out and accepts that. Even in some dating relationships that I have encountered, I have found myself suffocating parts of my personality that I know that that person wouldn’t appreciate. For example, my art passion. I love to draw, paint, sculpt, make pottery, etc. And it takes a certain person to appreciate art. Quite frankly I don’t know if I could be with someone who would see first hand the talent I possess, and blatantly disregard it because “it’s not something they are interested in.” The pain from that blow is unimaginable. And for the sake of protecting my heart and feelings, I can no longer allow myself to sit on the other side of the table and disregard my passions. They must be supported. They must be acknowledged. I don’t need someone to do pottery with me. But I need someone that’s willing to go to Michael’s with me and pick out firing glazes. I want a stone wall relationship. The bond that we form with someone through similar interests is represented by the stones. The things that we experience together, and grow in fill in every crevice between the stones that is left uncovered. With hard work and dedication, there is a wall, that is indestructible to most dangers. But what is broken has potential to be fixed.